How to Deal With Difficult People

We've probably all wondered, at one point or another, why people have to be rude or unkind. The reasons may vary. Some people behave in a negative way to cope with stress. Others may not feel good enough at their jobs, so they act negatively to keep the attention away from their true performance (or lack of performance). Still others simply enjoy the feeling of power that comes with criticizing and being cruel to people. (See our article on Egos at Work for tips on managing a co-worker's superiority complex.)

Everyone has their own reasons and motivations for their behavior. Although the causes are relevant in some cases, it's usually more helpful to know how to react when their negative behavior is directed at you.

Rudeness – even deliberately mean or cruel behavior – can show up in many different forms. Be aware of actions and behaviors such as these:

• Making unkind and hurtful comments.
• Using a sarcastic, mocking, or cynical tone of voice.
• Making jokes about you, or jokes at your expense.
• Ignoring you.
• Constantly complaining.
• Being aggressive.
• Being deliberately uncooperative.
• Spreading rumors.
• Constantly criticizing.
• Making you look bad to your superiors or other co-workers.
• Attempting to dominate you.
• Being abrupt, or frequently interrupting you when you speak.

Strategies for Handling Negative Co-Workers

You can control only one thing when dealing with difficult people: your reaction to them. Yes, you may want to get angry and fight back, or be equally critical of them, but this is usually the least helpful way to handle the situation.

Why? Difficult people are typically experts in that kind of behavior, and you're an "amateur." In other words, they're good at it, and you're probably not. Chances are high that you won't win, and the other person's behavior won't change.

It's also important to remember that it's not your job to "fix" these people. A more constructive goal is to minimize, or neutralize, the situation – so that you can have some peace.

There are several effective strategies you can use with difficult co-workers. Remember, though, that everyone – and every situation – is different. Some of these strategies might be ideal for one person, but disastrous with another. Assess your own situation carefully to determine which technique might work best for you.

• Carefully review the situation. Before taking any action, evaluate what has happened. Is this normal behavior, or is the other person just having a bad day? If it's typical behavior, it might be time to do something about it. If it's unusual behavior, it might be best to stay out of their way for the rest of the day.
• Calmly confront the person in private. You might want to use your office, where no one else can hear. There's a chance that this person truly doesn't know they're being rude or unkind. Give them the benefit of the doubt, and address the problem privately. Explain what's bothering you, and what you'd like them to do about it. Don't go on the attack. Tell them what it feels like, from your perspective, to be on the receiving end of this type of behavior. Use "I" statements, such as, “When you criticized me in front of the group yesterday, I felt humiliated and upset.” For more on this, see our article Dealing with Unfair Criticism.
• Don't fight, and don't retreat. If the other person is being aggressive toward you, they're probably expecting you to (a) fight back, just like them, or (b) retreat and walk away. If you want to make an impact, do neither. Stay calm, and speak plainly about their actions. For instance, say, “Are you trying to intimidate me with verbal abuse?” or “Are you trying to make fun of me?” This can be especially effective if other co-workers are listening. After you assert yourself, wait for a response. Don't be tempted to speak again; many people are uncomfortable with silence, so it may force them to respond.
• Use behavior modification. This technique depends on how much leverage and control you have, and on your relationship with the difficult person. In short, behavior modification is a way to "train" someone to act in a more civil, polite manner. When they act negatively toward you, completely ignore them. This may help send the message that you won't tolerate that type of behavior. When they act more politely and acceptably, "reward" the behavior. Say "thank you," and respond in a positive way. This technique can also be incredibly effective in a group setting (when a team is dealing with a difficult team member).
• Involve your boss. If you've tried a few techniques to resolve the situation on your own, and you still haven't succeeded, it might be time to get your boss involved. Meet with them privately to explain the situation clearly, and what you'd like to see happen. If the difficult person works in a different department, go to your boss first, and let your boss determine what the next step should be.
• Consider changing jobs. If nothing works, and your life is truly miserable, you may want to seriously consider transferring to another department, or finding a new job elsewhere. It's a dramatic move, but remember what we said earlier about life being short? If you're unhappy at work, this may affect your physical and mental health. No job is worth that.

Creating an Emotionally Healthy Environment

Is there anything you can do to prevent all of this from happening in the first place? Well, there's no guaranteed way to avoid difficult people, but you can help turn your organization or department into an emotionally healthy place to work.

• Develop rules of behavior. Make sure that there are defined values and rules of behavior for the organization, and communicate them to everyone. For example, you could put the rules on a big poster someplace where everyone can see them. Encourage good manners in the office.
• Create a reward system. Do the managers in your department or organization reward good ideas and behavior? All too often, negative behavior gets all the attention, while good behavior is ignored. In reality, it should be the opposite.
• Hold people responsible for their actions. When there's accountability and transparency, people are less likely to ignore bad behavior, or let it continue.