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There is a definite line between being assertive and being aggressive. Both might get you what you want, but while the former will gain you respect and help maintain professional relationships, the latter is likely to damage your reputation, relationships and, ultimately, your career.
Here are our top tips for being assertive, without being aggressive.
Show Respect
Perhaps the most fundamental difference between being assertive and being aggressive is the level of respect shown to others. Assertive people make their points while still being open and respectful to those who disagree with them. Aggressive people try to dominate their opponents - as they see them - into submission. Consider the feelings of those you disagree with and behave in a way that is likely to preserve their dignity and pride.
Listen
A sure sign of arrogance is interrupting someone else to make your own point. You’re essentially telling them that what they have to say is not important enough for you to listen to. Always let others finish what they are saying and listen actively. If you are busy thinking about what you will say next, you’re not going to take in what is being said.
Stay Calm
Losing your temper is a direct route to aggressive behavior. When under stress during conflict, your body releases adrenaline and kicks off your 'fight or flight' response. Try to be aware of this reaction happening and take some deep breaths. Don’t be tempted to jump straight in with an emotional response; take your time to give a more measured reply. Whatever you do, don’t raise your voice or shout. As soon as you do, you’ve strayed into aggressive behavior and you’ve lost your audience.
Think
While you’re taking that time, think. Consider what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it. Consider how what you say will affect the others involved in the conversation. If you shoot from the hip, you might well hit your own foot.
Acknowledge
Before starting in on your own point, acknowledge those made by others to show that you have listened and understood. This could be as simple as saying “I understand what you’re saying” or “I see your point”. You could go further, if it is a complex discussion, and even summarize their point back to them to demonstrate you really have listened and to ensure you’re all working from the same understanding.
Question, Don’t Dismiss
If you disagree with what someone has said, try to do so by asking pertinent questions, rather than simply disagreeing. For example, rather than saying “That won’t work because… ” say “How do you think that would be affected by… ?” You’re effectively making the same point, but in a less challenging manner, which allows the other person the opportunity to see your side without feeling they are at fault.
State Your Case Clearly
When you come to make your own points, make them clearly, directly, honestly and unemotionally. Try to keep your voice measured, calm and clear, using plain English. Avoid waffling or getting bogged down in jargon or cliches. Support what you say with as many facts as possible, but be careful not to stray into presenting your own opinions as facts. If you are stating an opinion, make sure you precede it with “I think… ” or “I believe… ” Presenting your own thoughts as unquestionable facts is highly likely to come across as arrogant, not assertive.
Try to be inclusive rather than divisive in what you say. Talk about things “we” need that will be good for “us”, rather than discussing how “I” need something that is essential for “me”. Equally, be careful about using “you” in an accusatory or divisive way: “You need to change” or “Your idea doesn’t work”. This is likely to make people defensive and create an adversarial atmosphere. Bringing everyone together for a common purpose is an assertive behavior.
Mind Your Body Language
How you carry yourself also has a large bearing on whether you seem assertive or aggressive. A frown, scowl or tense expression could be interpreted as aggression. While making eye contact is good for demonstrating honesty and engaging with others, holding it for too long can seem like an attempt to dominate the other person. This is exacerbated if you are standing over them, leaning in, or so close as to be invading their personal space. Since openness is crucial to being assertive, make sure your body language is open, too. Crossed arms and legs could be seen as defensive signs which suggest you are not open to what others have to say.
Invite Questions
Once you’ve made your points, ask for input, but be sure to do it in a way that actually encourages people to ask questions. “What does everyone else think?” shows you are confident enough to listen to opposing viewpoints, whereas “Does anybody disagree?” is more aggressive, daring anyone to challenge you.
Ask, Don’t Tell
At the point where you need to give out instructions, it is better to clearly ask for what you want than to demand it. For example, “I want this by Wednesday” is aggressive, while “Can you get me this by Wednesday?” still defines the deadline, but in a non-aggressive way. It also leaves the other person room to be assertive themself and explain any issues or conflicting priorities which may make the deadline difficult.
Conclusion
Being assertive is about positively making your case in a clear, honest way, while respecting the rights and feelings of others. It allows you to stand up for yourself and your beliefs while maintaining professional relationships and protecting your own reputation. In fact, it is likely to enhance it, as assertive people are usually seen positively by colleagues. Following these tips should help you to achieve this, while staying away from the pitfalls that will drag your assertive behavior into aggression.
