Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You

Who's this book for? The short answer is, anyone who needs to get better at asking for help – from overworked team members to C-Suite executives worried about appearing weak. In particular, this book will appeal to managers who want to get people to do things – like collaborating – without having to play tough.

There's been a growing emphasis on collaboration in the workplace, built on the belief that collaborative teams work better and smarter. So the skills this book teaches are important to getting the best from your people. There's also plenty here about creating a great team culture.

The author, Dr Heidi Grant, is a social psychologist specializing in motivational techniques. She's Senior Scientist for the Neuroleadership Institute and Associate Director of the Motivation Science Center at Columbia University. She's also an experienced author with several previous books to her name, including "What Successful People Do Differently." Her background in motivational psychology is clear throughout this book.

So, keep listening to find out why people feel bad about asking for help, the four easy steps to getting help, and how to make other people really want to help you.

The book consists of three parts, with three chapters in each. Part One deals with the problems and anxieties people experience when they need to ask for help. The simple act of asking makes many people feel bad, regardless of the consequences.

Part Two covers what you need to do to ask for help – and receive it. In particular, it shows us how to ask in such a way that people don't feel like they're being made to do anything.

Part Three takes things a step further, showing how you can build a team culture based on helpfulness. As you'll hear later, there are several elements to achieving this, all rooted in psychology.

Let's start in Part One, by taking a closer look at the anxiety many of us feel when we need to ask for help, and what lies behind it.

Some people would prefer to work all weekend, rather than ask a colleague to help them meet a deadline. Why do we go to such lengths to avoid asking for help? The answer lies in the idea of social pain. This is the psychological discomfort we feel as a result of our relationships with others.

Grant reports that human brains process social pain in exactly the same way they process physical pain. The anxiety of embarrassment and the fear of rejection follow the same neural pathways as the pain of a broken limb. In early human history, this was useful, because humans were fairly puny animals, and they needed to band together. Falling out with other members of your tribe could lead to exclusion, and threaten your very survival.

Many millennia later, social pain is more often a hindrance than a help. It threatens our sense of status, our certainty about the world, and our control over our own lives. It can threaten our sense of belonging to a group, and our belief that we're being treated fairly. When we ask for help, we expose ourselves to the possibility of social pain, so it's no wonder we're reluctant to do it.

Another reason we avoid asking for help is that we don't expect people to say "yes." But Grant says people are usually much more willing to help than we imagine – not least because refusing a request for help can cause them significant social pain.

She also notes that a person who's turned down a request for help once is much less likely to do so a second time, because they feel so uncomfortable. She tells an anecdote about asking colleagues to write positive comments for the jacket of one of her books. Some turned her down, others didn't respond. When she asked a second time, these people replied not just with positive remarks, but with lavish praise.

Because giving helps makes people feel good about themselves, someone who's helped you out once will likely do so again, even if the next request is more difficult. This is because helping others reinforces the giver's sense of positive identity.

Refusing to help someone you've helped in the past would go against this positive identity. It would create the type of inconsistent behavior that psychologists call cognitive dissonance. Humans instinctively hate cognitive dissonance, and they try hard to avoid it. No wonder the author describes it as the "help-seeker's friend."

But help-seekers have other problems to contend with. As you heard earlier, asking for help can make them feel less likable, and less competent. It can even make them feel ashamed of themselves. Grant insists that it shouldn't. In fact, asking someone else for help actually makes the helper feel more positive about the help-seeker, not less, according to research by psychologists John Jecker and David Landy. It can also boost the helper's mood.

So help-seekers shouldn't be afraid to ask for favors. If they ask in the right way, they can get the assistance they need and make the person who helps them feel great, too. That's what Part Two is all about.

Help-seekers have to overcome an awkward paradox. People may be inclined to help, and they may even know that they'll feel better by doing so. But when a helper feels compelled to lend a hand, the feel-good factor takes a hit.

For example, the author discusses the negative effect of saying "Can I ask you a favor?" before you actually explain what it is that you want. Your helper will still probably agree, but will feel a loss of autonomy in doing so. This may limit the amount of help that he or she is willing to give.

Grant sets out how readers can avoid this potential pitfall. Help-seekers need to allow helpers the option of choosing whether or not they'll offer assistance. There are four simple steps they can take to do this.

First, when you need help, speak up so your colleagues know about it. People get so preoccupied with their own agendas and workloads that overwhelmed or overworked team members won't always be noticed by others.

Second, you should say that you would welcome help. Sometimes, other people can see that you could do with a hand, but they stop themselves offering because they aren't sure how you'll respond. Would-be helpers may worry that you might be offended or upset by an offer of help. So be clear and direct about this.

Third, you should make sure that any potential helper takes responsibility for helping. Emailing everyone in your team, asking for someone to help, won't be as effective as approaching one individual. If people think there are many potential helpers, they may leave it to others. They're more likely to take responsibility if they understand that it's down to them.

Fourth, you need to be sure that the potential helper can actually deliver. There's not much point in expecting help from someone who doesn't have the necessary skills, for example. Most people are busy, too, so the request for help should be explicit, detailed and reasonable. And you should always be open to whatever help is on offer. So if a colleague can only do part of what he's asked, that should still be welcomed.

These four rules sound straightforward, so it's a surprise to learn just how bad people can be at following them. In fact, the title of this chapter is "Don't Make it Weird," which says it all.

Grant points out that it's easy to fall into the trap of seeming "weird" when you ask for help. Your approach might seem sensible to start with, but could end up being counterproductive because the potential helper is put off.

Overdoing appeals to the helper's sense of empathy is one way of seeming odd. Apologizing too much for asking is another. Even beginning with a phrase like, "I hate having to ask you, but…" can alienate potential helpers.

Instead, Grant says, it's better to focus on ways of asking that reinforce helpfulness. These fall into three categories: an appeal to a shared purpose, a sense of positive identity, and being able to see clear results of one's help.

Part Three, called "Creating a Culture of Helpfulness," picks up on these three categories. It begins by outlining the importance of group membership and a sense of shared purpose. People are more likely to help you, Grant says, if they believe that you and they have common goals and interests. And you, in turn, are more likely to want to help them.

But there are dangers here. Nurturing the feeling of an in-group can lead to a them-against-us mentality. That can be useful against competitors, but it's unhelpful if the out-group is another team in your organization. Grant makes this point, though only in passing.

Reinforcing a sense of positive identity also helps interactions within a team. People like to believe they're good – not just capable of the occasional good deed, but continuously good. You can help people feel this way by the way you ask for help.

Let's say a manager needs some help with a presentation. She approaches a particular team member who she knows is good with graphics. She tells him that's why he's being asked, which makes him more willing to lend a hand. After the presentation she thanks that team member, again drawing attention to his unique qualities. He feels good about having helped out, and spontaneously volunteers to help again in the future. Everyone benefits.

The book's final chapter covers the importance of letting people know that their help has been worthwhile. After all, nobody is motivated by thinking that their work makes no difference, and the same goes for help. That's why, when asking for a favor, you should always emphasize the positive impact it will have.

It's also important to show the right kind of gratitude for the help you've received. Emphasizing the helper's skills and willingness to lend a hand are likely to gain further offers of help. Whereas, emphasizing how their extra effort has benefited the person they helped will not. As Grant points out, we are all naturally at least a little egocentric.

The outcome of these reinforcements is a culture of reciprocity, where people do things for each other because it brings mutual benefit, and a shared sense of identity. A team that behaves this way will likely be tight-knit, trusting and productive. But developing this kind of culture takes time. It involves a shift from negotiating each instance of help on a case-by-case basis, to a general awareness that helping a colleague will bring benefits to the team as a whole.

So what's our last word on "Reinforcements"?

This book manages to be both authoritative and fun to read. The style is conversational, and never dry or academic. And it's occasionally very funny, especially when Grant recounts an anecdote from her own life.

But despite the light tone, this is a very practical book. Throughout, Grant emphasizes how its many insights on human behavior can be used. She succeeds in making complex psychological concepts clear and easy to understand.

We also like how she skillfully integrates details of social psychology experiments and case studies. These are often surprising and thought-provoking. The experiment involving seminary students is particularly enlightening. It turns out that under time pressure, even a trainee priest will walk around someone begging for help. Even if he's on his way to a presentation about the parable of the Good Samaritan.

This is a book about persuading and influencing people, so it inevitably raises a few ethical questions. If you follow the advice closely, you might feel like you're manipulating people to your own ends.

Certainly, there's a degree of calculation involved, but the weight of the book's argument comes down firmly on the side of collaboration and mutual benefit. After reading this book, you'll likely feel more comfortable about asking for help, and may understand better why giving it is worth doing, too.

"Reinforcements," by Heidi Grant, is published by Harvard Business Review Press.

That's the end of this episode of Book Insights. Thanks for listening.